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27 weeks 3 Days

27 weeks 3 Days

How far along?: 27 weeks, 3days

Baby is the size of a: Rutabaga

Total weight gain/loss: probably 10 lbs now…each scale I use is different so I’ll have a better number come next week at my appointment

The Bump: is beautiful…I’m looking more and more pregnant everyday instead of just looking fat/bloated

Pregnancy symptoms: crazy dreams, tired, HUNGRY…last week I have a stomach virus. I tell you, these past few weeks, I’ve been on a ROLL. Luckily, I’m getting rehydrated and gaining my appetite back.

Food Cravings: fresh fruit, Mexican, chocolate milkshakes, dynamite shrimp from Cheesecake Factory

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: fried livers, strong perfume

Sleep: is getting better. I’ve been staying with Grantis, sleeping on the couch, and other than not being used to sleeping with the heat on 70 and a 80lb dog thinking she and I both can fit on the couch, sleep hasn’t been too bad! (knock on wood)

What I miss: sleeping with my husband…(more on that later…)

Weddings Rings On or Off: Still on!

Any Names Picked Out Yet: Ava Catherine

Gender Prediction: It was confirmed, we are having a girl for sure!

Movement: This weekend I was lying on the couch and felt her kick me on the outside. Normally its just little kicks but this one moved my arm that was lying on my stomach. Then a few minutes later, I felt my skin pure stretch on my side like she was reaching out! The weirdest but most amazing feeling ever…and of course she has yet to do it again.

Maternity Clothes: I went digging through my closet and found some sweaters that fit from when I was with Brandon and huge…yay! More clothes!

Labor Signs: No and let’s keep it that way, at least for another 10 plus weeks!

Best Moment of the Week: last week- seeing my baby’s sweet face on ultrasound! And this weekend, feeling her move more and more!

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: baby showers and Sley getting the chance to feel her karate chop me

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Sweet Baby Ava

Sweet Baby Ava

She’s almost 2 pounds! She is beautiful and I can’t wait to get my hands on her…she cooperated at the ultrasound so we are 100% sure she is a “she”. She looks like Sley and words cant express how much I love her already. I melt everytime I look at this picture. Her daddy is pretty proud, himself, and I know he is so ready to kiss this sweet face.

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Pregnancy Update

I’ll post a pic later…

How far along?: 25 weeks, 4 days

Baby is the size of a: Cauliflower

Total weight gain/loss: 6 lbs

The Bump: Still weird looking but getting bigger each day

Pregnancy symptoms: tired, kidney stone, UTI, hormonal, hungry, crazy dreams- like I about punched the crap out of Sley the other night fighting someone in my dreams.

Food Cravings: Big Macs, Aubrey’s hot dogs, homemade biscuits with cheese

Anything Making Me Queasy or Sick: Nope

Sleep: is overrated. I mean, who needs it really? When you’re limited to sleeping only on your left side, you have 5 pillows just for you, the heat goes down to 55 every night and you end up crying because you still cant get comfortable, you beg your husband to go to the couch while you drift in and out of consciousness in the recliner, only to wake up 3 hours later needing to pee, struggling to sit the recliner up without straining, all while squeezing your legs together, and realize the recliner is making your back hurt, so after you pee, you wake up your husband and go back to bed, trying to get a few more hours of sleep before the alarm goes off but your daughter thinks it’s Dance Party time, because who doesn’t love to break it down at 3am? so you just lay on your left side, staring at your husband who so easily drifts back off to sleep and is now snoring while your daughter shows off her dance moves while boxing your organs. And don’t EVEN leave the comment, “it’s just getting you ready for the baby…” because lack of sleep plus crazy hormones just might get you cut.

What I miss: Other than sleeping on my stomach and back, I miss wine. No, I’m not an alcoholic, but oh what I wouldn’t give for a night out with Mariah, Michelle, and Paige filled with red wine and sushi. I also really want Jersey Mikes, or even a COLD bologna and cheese sandwich, like the ones your mom used to fix you when you were in kindergarten.

Weddings Rings On or Off: Still on!

Any Names Picked Out Yet: Ava Catherine

Gender Prediction: Girl

Movement: Sometimes I can feel her better than others (on the outside). Sley has been able to feel her a couple of times. I cant wait to see my belly take on weird shapes as she moves.

Maternity Clothes: While we started out with a love/hate relationship, I have come to love my maternity clothes. Now don’t get me wrong, I have 1 pair of dress pants and 1 pair of jeans because I can’t bring myself to spend more than $90 for 2 pair of pants that I have, but I’ve racked up some deals on cute shirts! I still don’t have a lot of clothes because I feel like it’s a waste of money, but what I do have I love!

Labor Signs: No and let’s keep it that way, at least for another 10 plus weeks!

Best Moment of the Week: This past weekend, Sley and I got in a few good naps and THAT is something to be thankful for!

What I’m excited about/looking forward to: I have an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound. Say a little prayer that our sweet Ava cooperates!

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Almost half way done!

 

18 Weeks Ultrasound

18 Weeks Ultrasound

Wow. Where has the time gone? Well not really, we want this baby so bad time seems to be CREEPING sometimes…Poor Ava, her daddy talks to her all the time and every time he talks to her she hears, “I love you baby, hurry up and grow! Daddy is ready to hold you!” Sley teases me and says that she is my baby for 9 months but once she comes out, she is all his so I better soak up the time that I have with her now because I won’t be able to get my hands on her once she’s here…we will see about that!

The nursery is almost complete, other than some pictures to hang on the wall. Ava even has her own flat screen TV that her daddy and I got while Black Friday shopping this year! We figured, it was too good of a deal to pass up so why not go ahead and put a TV in her room?

We have been so blessed when it comes to things we already have for her. If things weren’t given to us, we paid nearly nothing for it compared to what it’s worth. I am going to try breast feeding/pumping (well, probably mostly pumping since I will have to go back to work after 6-8 weeks and my mom will be keeping her). One of my sorority sisters had a nice pump that she gave us a really good deal on (and threw in some other nice things too!) so I’m excited to see how everything works out.

Ava is quite the shy little girl. Every time we have an ultrasound, she’s balled up with her legs crossed and hands over her face. I seriously have no idea where she’s gotten that from…

Sleep and I have been on the outs again. I have been having some sciatica pain in my left butt cheek so Sley enjoys punching my tail to give me some relief…I’m guess it is helping him take out some frustrations that he has to put up with his hormonal wife lol. It’s a win win situation. We sleep in a queen bed and I alone am sleeping with 5 pillows now, on top of being hot all. the. time. It could be 29 degrees outside and we have our heat set on 55 at night. Mama don’t play being hot trying to sleep…I have enough problems staying comfortable not being able to sleep on my stomach or back…

No real cravings yet. When I first got pregnant we went to an Arts Festival in downtown Raleigh and I got a weird craving of a big fat cheeseburger with fruit loops on top. Whenever I crave a single food, as soon as I eat it, I don’t want it any more so I have an almost full box of Fruit Loops in the pantry (and no, I didn’t put them on top of a cheeseburger). I’ve just now been getting HUNGRY. Up until now, Sley has been out-eating me. Bless his heart, he has gained a little weight (I cant tell, he just complains all the time). He said, “I’m ready for Ava to get here so I can lose this belly!” Whenever we go out to eat, I cant finish my meal so I give it to him and he’ll say, “you want me to get fat?” and I’ll say, “it makes me feel better, that way I’m not the only one gaining weight” … then he eats the food haha! I have had some food aversions. I never got sick when I first got pregnant. I gagged while brushing my teeth for a while but no vomiting. About a month ago, I had to stop by my parents house to pick something up and as I entered the house, I was overwhelmed by the smell of deer sausage frying in the pan and I immediately started gagging. I had to put my head in the refrigerator (yea, I know, dramatic) to be able to hold a conversation with them. Mom, Dad, and my brother started laughing so what does any hormonal, gagging, pregnant woman do when others are pointing and laughing…yep…I busted out crying. I remember my brother saying as I walked out the door, “why is she crying” and dad said, “hormones…” I’ve also learned that chicken tenders are NOT my friend. I don’t know if it was the chicken tenders themselves or the leftovers that sat in my car as we ran errands, but as soon as we got back into the car to head home, I thought I was going to lose my dinner. There was NO way I was taking those leftovers for lunch!

Before we found out we were having a girl, I could’ve bet BIG money it was a boy. Every other night it seemed, I had the sweetest dreams of the cutest little blonde headed boy that called me his mommy. I just KNEW it was my baby inside of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be carrying Ava! It just threw me for a loop when we cut the cake and it was pink icing! Last appointment at the Dr. office, we were supposed to “officially” find out but she hid the goods and the ultrasound tech was apparently in a hurry so if “Ava” comes out a “Baker”, we will have a lot of remodeling to do in the nursery! Sley said, “if it comes out a boy, he’s going to be wearing pink the first year of his life!” (I seriously doubt he will let that happen..)

I have felt her move every now and then. The most I felt her was the other day for about 5 minutes. I don’t feel her move every day but I know it’s still early.

I’m starting to look pregnant and not just fat anymore which is helping in the hormone department. I may or may not have cried while putting away clothes I could no longer fit, then I felt ungrateful because I know if a pregnant woman told me that a year ago, I would want to smack her square in the face because all I wanted was a baby, I didn’t care about my clothes fitting. I will say, having gone through the struggles of wanting a child and not having one has really helped me to not worry so much about Ava. I know God is in control no matter what happens. I’m pregnant because God so Ava’s well being is completely in His hands!

With that said, I do have some anxiety, especially about money. I’m deathly afraid of getting in a wreck (which seriously gets on Sley’s nerves when he drives because I’ll look up from my phone at the most inopportune times and freak out, scaring the crap out of him). I also am so afraid of falling…stairs, walking, etc, I don’t want to hurt my baby.

I still cant stand someone touching my belly other than Sley except last night, I went to my Sorority Advisor’s house to pick up a TV and she touched my belly and it didn’t bother me…maybe because I know her, maybe because I know she isn’t going to hurt me, or maybe I’m getting over the phobia since I’m showing more now? We will see. I’ve talked to a lot of my friends that are pregnant and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I know people are happy for me and I don’t want to come off and ungrateful or rude, but I also don’t want to feel like my space is being invaded. My belly, our baby, is an intimate thing and I only share intimacy with my husband so for another to touch me that way, I feel in some sense, violated. Oh well, maybe it’s just a phase.

I think that is all for the updates so far. I’m going to try not to wait so long for another update!

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Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying…

I’ve had so many people thank me for my blog and the encouragement it offers them. In all honesty, I’m humbled. I’m so thankful my struggles have not been in vain and my testimony can give at least 1 person hope. Sometimes I become afraid to blog because I don’t want people to think my struggles and my life are any more important than theirs because in reality,  my life isn’t more important, I’m just listening to God and writing down words.

Being in “the wish club” has changed me. Some women start in the “wish club”, get pregnant, then become very insensitive to members still in the club. This “wish club” isn’t a club you voluntarily join; this is a club women are placed into. A club some are ashamed to be in. A club where members lean on one another month after month of still being in the club. A club that can bring a woman to her knees and make her feel so empty and alone. Some get in the club and stay, some get to leave, some come back…and the heartbreaking part is you never know if you’re a lifelong member or just temporary.

 I want my blog to be a place that doesn’t hurt for club members to visit. A place where they can feel hope from God that if they are destined to be a lifetime member, God is going to bless them TREMENDOUSLY in ways they can’t even imagine! If I could give one piece of advice to any club member it would be to know God loves you and God wants what is BEST for you and sometimes what’s best is hard to see when we want something SO BAD. God knows the tears and the struggles and the pain and the discouragement and the feelings of failure… I know…You’re not alone. I wish I could hug everyone that messages me.

This is such a mundane post but this has really been on my heart lately. Even though I’m not a member of the club right now, I will never forget. Not everyone is able to say they’ve learned something from the club. Not everyone is bonded to each other like we are.

 Hope. Don’t stop wishing. God really does love you. His timing is perfect, I promise.

But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY.”  -Habakkuk 2:3

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Testing 1-2-3…4-5-6-7-8-9-10…

I immediately told Sley when I got home that I took a test and it was positive. We both decided we weren’t going to tell anyone. Last time, we got a little carried away and then ended up having to “un-tell” people when we lost the baby, and let me tell you, “un-telling” is definitely not as much fun as telling. We tried to carry on with life as normal, all while being super giddy at home. Those of you that have been pregnant, if you could please let my husband know that it’s COMPLETELY normal to take a pregnancy test 1 to 2 times a day until it sinks in that maybe you really are pregnant. He would get so frustrated with me when I brought home yet another used test or one I was going to use. My phone, I KNOW, has about 30 to 35 pictures of nothing put pregnancy tests. I even added them to a collage where I could see the progression of the second line getting darker day by day. While I was excited, I was on guard, and I guess I thought I would get a clue from taking multiple tests if something went wrong? Yea, who knows the logic behind me spending all that money on pregnancy tests but at the time, it was so justified.

Any way, like I said, I found out 8 days before my expected period, on a Friday. We went the entire weekend not telling a soul. I got to work Monday and called my Dr. to let them know I got a positive pregnancy test. I knew it was very early but since I had a miscarriage last time, I didn’t know if there was a different procedure. The nurse told me she wanted me to come in that day for blood work, then come back on Wednesday, to make sure my levels were progressing as they should. After giving blood, I was told they would have my levels the next day. I remembered last time I was pregnant, my levels got to 500 and then I miscarried so I was obsessed with my HCG level.

Tuesday was filled with anxiety until I started writing bible verses around my desk and notes to myself from God to CHILL OUT. I called the nurse and left a message for her to call me back with my levels. I got the phone call an hour or so later. I could tell there was concern in the nurse’s voice as she told me my levels were very low, 35, but anything above 5 was considered pregnant so the real test would be Wednesday’s number. I hung up the phone and cried. I was so worried I was going to have another miscarriage. Those stupid HCG numbers always set me up for failure! I called Sley to let him know and although I could tell he was worried too, he tried his best to stay positive to keep his wife from having a mental breakdown. On the way home, I contacted a few of my prayer warriors, women I can trust with any intimate detail of my life, women I know without a shadow of a doubt that would pray for me. I prayed. I begged. Please God keep this child alive! Please Lord let me keep this one!

HCG levels are supposed to double every other day. I got to my appointment on Wednesday to give blood and I lost it. There are 2 women that work the lab at my office and they are both God sent. One seems to be in her early 30s, not married and no kids. She is very plain looking, no makeup, with her dark brown short hair always pulled back from her pasty white face in a pony tail. The other lady seems to be of Hispanic heritage and is very evident in her accent, is married with 2 kids, and has long dark hair always pulled back from her tan skin with dark eyeliner and faded lip liner. They listened to my worries and tried to reassure me that stressing would only make things worse and that ultimately God was in control. One of the ladies said the week before, a 7 month pregnant woman had come to the doctor for a regular visit and the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat of her baby. Three days later, she came back and the heartbeat was as strong as ever. The lady told me this to say that God has a plan and even though doctors have education and experience, no one is better and no one knows more than God. I left feeling more reassured and blessed than I had in a long time.

Thursday, same routine, I called the nurse and left a message requesting my levels. An hour later the nurse calls and says the 2 words I so desperately wanted to hear, “They doubled!”

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Part II

When I found out I was pregnant, it wasn’t the response any normal woman would have, “Oh my goodness I’m pregnant yay!” Instead it was, “Oh my gosh I’m pregnant…how do I keep from losing this baby?”

My periods are WHACK. Well actually, to anyone other than someone trying to have a baby, my periods would be a dream come true. Instead of the usual 28 days in between cycles, mine go 36. It’s nice having a longer break but makes things really tricky when trying to conceive. I was trying to give the calendar a break and just enjoy being husband and wife but it’s hard for someone who has been stuck to the calendar for so long to just let it go. This whole time Sley has been just amazing. He never once made me feel inadequate or guilty for not being pregnant month after month, but would always reassure me that God had a plan and to stop stressing out about something I can’t control. Every month I felt like I failed him.

I knew about the time I would “ovulate”. I just had a feeling that I should write down day to day how I was feeling to see if I could better tell when I ovulated if I wasn’t right. I started recording the day that my “calendar” told me I would ovulate.

 Exactly a week later, I knew something was up by the symptoms I was writing down. I love me some food (normally) but all of a sudden wasn’t really feeling it, especially chocolate, which threw up a BIG red flag! I mean c’mon people, I turned down a chocolate cupcake for crying out loud…WHO DOES THAT?! I was getting up to pee at night but I attributed that to drinking lots of water during the day. I was having CRAZY dreams but I figured, it may have been something I ate or watched on tv. My throat hurt and I was feeling like I was getting a sinus infection but this time of year is when I normally catch something. I was extremely bloated and felt flutters in my stomach sometimes while sitting down but I just figured it was gas. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up like I do Every. Single. Time.

Four days later, I had to take a test. Even though it was 8 days before my period was to arrive, things were getting more and more weird. I would go from freezing to burning up back to freezing in a matter of minutes. This would especially happen at night. Also, my face was breaking out with red sore zits, like the ones I had last time. So at lunch, I headed to Kroger, bought a test, and came back to work. Just like every month, before I did the test, I always prayed, “God only if it’s your will…” A few minutes later, a faint pink line appeared beside the darker one. My heart started beating so hard and I started sweating.  OMG. Omg.omg.  As I sat there in the handicap stall of the women’s bathroom with tears filling my eyes, I lifted my hands with the test still in one, and began praying and praising God. “Thank you Jesus! Thank you Lord! Lord, please keep me and the baby safe, please protect us. Please let me keep this baby…” I stuffed the test in my purse, washed my hands and ran to my friend’s cube to show her my findings. She was so excited and I just started crying. I was a sobbing sweaty mess. After I calmed down, I headed to my cube and just sat there in disbelief.

 A few inches away, tucked neatly in my purse, was a positive pregnancy test…and it was mine.

 

To be continued…

Aside
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When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately overwhelmed with conflicting feelings. For so long, I was in the “hope for a baby every month” club. I had connected with so many readers and friends who knew my pain, who were and are going through infertility, miscarriage, and wanting a baby so hard you can’t sleep at night, much less look on Facebook and not cry every time another person announces they are pregnant. I was there. Although some aren’t as public about their feelings and struggles as I am, God has led me to open up to comfort and to receive comfort through this blog. Ladies struggling with the above who have reached out to me or those who visit I don’t know about, please know I pray for all of you. Know that I had reservations posting a picture on Facebook. The last thing I want is to cause anyone any pain because I have been there. I want to give you hope. God is good no matter what. I am thankful for my struggles and I am thankful for all of you.

i was so tired of crying every month when I got my period. I can’t even begin to describe the disappointment, the emptiness I would feel…I know some of you know what I’m talking about. It never helped getting “advice” every month, especially from those who never knew the struggle of wanting a baby. Everyone is different and I didn’t feel led to go to the doctor. I knew in my heart this was a God thing. Finally I got to the point where all I wanted was Gods will. I believed Sley and I couldn’t have kids because God had bigger plans for us and children would hinder our calling. Even though we both love kids, I felt like maybe God was going to use that in a different way. We went looking for cars one weekend and I was adamant on getting a car I wanted instead of the family car I always gravitated to. I really wanted a 2 door Dodge Challenger. Thank God He had other plans and we ended up with the jeep because a few days later, I would find out I was pregnant.

To be continued…